TGIF: How To Write A Scientific Paper

The purpose of science is to get paid for doing fun stuff (Schulman et al. 1991). Nominally, science involves discovering something new about the Universe, but this isn't really necessary. What is really necessary is a grant. In order to obtain a grant, your application must state that the research will discover something incredibly fundamental. The grant agency must also believe that you are the best person to do this particular research, so you should cite yourself both early (Schulman 1994) and often (Schulman et al. 1993c). Feel free to cite other papers as well (e.g., Blakeslee et al. 1993; Levine et al. 1993), so long as you are on the author list.
Once you get the grant, your university, company, or government agency will immediately take 30 to 70% of it so that they can heat the building, pay for Internet connections, and purchase large yachts.

While I wouldn't follow these directions to the letter, among the tongue in cheek, there is some truth here.

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